Spongebob Squarepants Ruined my Life
When I was a boy of only 28 years old, I watched Spongebob Squarepants. For those of you who don't know, Spongebob was a popular cartoon show in the late 90's. The high-IQ Rick and Morty fans will remember it. It was truly a magnum opera of animated quality. It featured a talking Sponge who lived under the sea and taught many valuable life lessons such as using your imagination and ignoring the complaints of your neighbors, but I digress. I've gone completely insane. I see that yellow, hyper-realistic cartoon Sponge every time I close my eyes. I hear the grating, soul-killing sound produced by the octopus Squirdward Tentacles every time I close my ears. It's not my fault. Spongebob did this to me. Once upon a time, there was a pineapple under a sea of blood. The blood was creepily realistic and red. Its walls were black and blood was running down the stairs like a waterfall. The pink snail Gary was slithering against the current, trying to get up to his master to see what's wrong. Sephiroth's theme from Final Fantasy XX was playing. This all happened 20 years ago. "Meow," he cried. I sat there on the floor watching this happen on my black and white TV that gave me 10/20 vision at an early age. I would've been biting my nails if I were a nailbiter, it was so scary. I rocked back and forth, that's how scary it was. It was shit pants scary, I kid you not. The thought of Gary stuck on the endless staircase triggered my PTSD. Memories of Super Mario 64's endless staircase came rushing back to mind. I was running on that thing for hours and never reached the top, so believe me when I say I can sympathize with that poor, unfortunate snail. It was so ironic that the one thing he lacked in life would be his undoing. He was slow, being a snail and all, and he could never build up the speed to get up the stairs. I applauded the creators of this episode I found on an unlabeled VHS tape at a garage sale. It was labeled "Spongebob the Lost Episode" in crayola fucking crayon and it cost only $20. When Gary reached the top of the stairs, he saw evil Spongebob crying tears of blood in his bed, but Gary didn't know it was Doodlebob yet. This was the limited edition reincarnated Doodlebob that you could only unlock with loot crates. He wasn't drawn with a magic pencil, but a magic Clintiq tablet that used to be owned by a twisted, demonic furry, so he looked creepily realistic. You could actually see the squareness of his pants, that's how realistic it was. It was so realistic that Gary believed it was really Spongebob. There was literally no difference between the two characters. Doodlebob laughed like Ganon in Zelda II and pointed out the window. Our tragic hero, Gary, slithered up the wall. The camera cut to a shot of the outside of the window and Gary's eyestocks appeared through the hyper-realistic bloody glass. Squidward's house. Oh God, Squidward's house. The eyes were missing. They weren't just missing. There were two black holes where they used to be, and the holes were crying tears of blood, but the house didn't look sad. It looked stoic as ever, that brave soul. Just then, Doodlebob smashed Gary's shell with the tablet, revealing the snail's massive booty. The snail blushed blood red and looked at Doodlebob, thinking that it was actually Spongebob. Doodlebob spoke in his usual gibberish and there were no subtitles. Credit to the creators for censoring his hot, sexy dirty talk. Not only does it keep the episode PG, but it allows the higher-IQ adult audience to use their theater of the mind to imagine the hottest things imaginable, just like waifus. Oh yeah. Gary blushed embarassedly and looked away from Doodlebob. He blushed and thought to himself, "There's no way Spongebob really wants me. He--" but then Doodlebob placed his realistic hand on Gary's freckled bottom and said, "It's okay. I know you're a guy." Gary looked at Doodlebob in shock and wonderment. He thought he was a successful trap, wearing that pink shell. He fooled me a couple times, but I always knew he was male. Then Doodlebob said something very intellectual. He said, "You're sentient like a human being, just like me. It's not beastiality if you can think like me." Wow. That really touched me, and it touched Gary too. Doodlebob pulled down his hyper realistic pants and Gary bit his lip as he undid the belt and slowly, teasingly pulled them down. Then Gary made a shocked and horrified face. The camera panned up until we saw it. Spongebob was Doodlebob's dick! He laughed in that annoying voice, with that same empty-headed vacant look he always had, mocking Gary and his secret love. He knew. He always knew. He just didn't care. How else do you explain the actions of a man who destroys his neighbor's property once a week? A man who disregards the feelings of all others around him for his own intertainment? He was a psychopath. A sociopath. He was deranged. He was Cucu for cocoa puffs. All these years, he was infecting kids with this pure evil. He even infected me! When I realized this, visceral, hyper realistic shock ran through my body. I ran to the bathroom. I always felt something was wrong, I always felt different. I thought it was my high IQ that made me so different. I ran to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. Everything was fine, except for the fact that my eyes were missing. I heard the laughter, the grating, horrible Spongebob laughter. I pulled down my pants and saw SPONGEBOB REPLACED MY PENIS.